While I do NOT suggest that you use a professional search company to do your search you can get help from some of their websites. One that I use to determine the age of a person when I have found an address is US Search .
You can enter a person's name, approximate age and get a list back that may give you some answers. You can also enter the state of residence but I usually leave that blank cause it is impossible to know where a person you had information about 20 years ago may be today. If I am looking for a common name then I will sometimes enter the suspected state of residence.
Another website to use in double checking a date of birth is Any Birthday. This site is part of Locateme.com . You can also find people on mail lists who have memberships to these sites who may be able to get more information for you. Be aware that the information at these websites is usually old but if per chance the person you are searching for has not moved in some time, then it will do the job.
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Some states have information online that you will find helpful. Some have marriage and divorce indexes which can be a tremendous help in learning a woman's married name and the first name of her husband. The husband's first name can be real important if they are only listed in a phone book under his name. The older a person is the greater the chance the phone is only in the husband's name.
Use search engines to try to find state marriage/divorce indexes and to try to find property searches. For property look for the state assessor's office.
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Telephone pages on the internet are a big help. You can use online phone books to find people all over the country and even in other countries. You will see that some companies allow you to just enter a last name and no other information. Doing this can also show you just how common a name might be. It is surprising at times to see a name that we are not familiar with and think will be easy to search on come up with a hundred listings! If you think you know the state a person might live in then go ahead and use those that limit you to that use.
The phone directories also have what is called 'reverse' search. With this you can enter a phone number to get a person's name and address. You may be surprised at how often this is useful.
COMMUNITY
A helpful and caring "community" of searchers has sprung up on the internet. Through mailing lists, websites, chat groups, and newsgroups these people are coming together to aid and support each other. There is so much information easily accessed that it is also helping to cut down the cost of a search which in some cases can go into thousands of dollars.
A word about newsgroups... I fear the adoption related newsgroups are more about egos and name calling than about adoption searching. Be very careful with them but you will sometimes get a lead by reading what others post. Do not put much of your own personal information out there.
The internet is bringing all members of the Triad [adoptees, birthfamily & adoptivefamily] together for better understanding of everyone's situations and feelings. On mailing lists and chat groups for all members of the Triad one can e-mail back and forth with others to better understand the plight of the birthmother who may have been forced to relinquish her child. Some were literally drugged and then forced to sign the papers, while others feel that society forced them to sign the papers. Many relinquished their children of their own free will in the hope that their child would have a better life than they could provide for them at that time. No matter how or why they gave their child up they all have an ache in their hearts that nothing can heal outside of reunion with the child they gave birth to.
Adoptees who have thought all their lives that their birthmothers out and out rejected them, are learning from these birthmothers what life was like back at the time they were relinquished for adoption. It is helping them to better understand what their own birthmother probably went through. They are realizing that they were not rejected and it is taking some pain away. This all helps to prepare for the day when reunion comes.
While it has always been thought that more female adoptees search than do male adoptees, we are seeing the number of males searching through the internet start to increase. When I look at my registry for Colorado I note that the greatest number of registrations are for the years 1968 through 1972. I can also see that in the earlier years up to about 1967 there are more adoptees searching than there are birthmoms. Then at the opposite end, the 1980's, we see many more birthmoms searching than we do adoptees. We can see that birthmoms from years past were told they never could search and that it would be wrong for them to do so. By the 1980's that was not being said and so the younger birthmoms feel free to search.
There are few birthfathers on the internet. So many birthfathers don't even know that this child exists, that it is no wonder there are few of them searching. Those who are on the internet are finding each other for help and support.
There are not as many adoptive parents using the internet for understanding and searching as there are the other two groups in the Triad, but they do exist on the internet. Those who are taking advantage of the opportunity to get to know birthmothers and other adoptees find it to be a rewarding experience. It helps them to understand their own child much better. It also helps them understand how the birthmother might feel when she is found. This will go a long way to help in a reunion.
With better understanding of the feelings of all sides of the Triad comes better knowledge of how to go about a first contact. The cardinal rule espoused by all who search and help with searches through the internet is, do nothing that will hurt the person you are looking for. Adoptees are reminded to be especially careful not to give the true reason for a phone call until they are certain they are speaking to their birthmother or father. They go to great lengths to avoid telling a family member about their own existence just in case their birthmother or father has not told anyone.
Birthmothers are very aware that while most adopted children are now told that they were adopted when they are young, theirs might be the one whose adoptive parents never told them. They are careful to be gentle in the telling of their story so as not to frighten and send the adoptee into a tailspin.
The "talk" on mailing lists is frequently about what to say during that initial phone contact or what to say in a letter that one plans to send to the person they believe to be their birthmother.
GETTING HELP
So what kind of help can you get on the internet? As I have mentioned the "community" is there to help you. You will not feel alone. That in itself is a big plus. Online you can find such things as directories of doctors and lawyers where you can locate the doctors and lawyers who were involved in your births and adoption. You can look up the laws for the state where you were adopted so that you can follow those laws and try to use what is in place to help in your search. You will find all the addresses for where to write to obtain your non-id information. You will find lists of support groups in the state you live in and in the state of your adoption. You will be able to find the addresses for vital records in your state of search.
It doesn't stop there. You will find search tips on many websites so that you can learn how to become a good detective, for that is what you must become. Once you have found out the name of the person you search for you can go to the many online phone directories to look them up. You will find websites put on line by many schools where you can try to get information about the person you look for. There are maiden name databases to help in learning a persons married name. You can also check through the Vietnam Casualty list and the Social Security Death Index in hopes that you will NOT find them listed.
There are many websites where you can look for people who belong to a certain union or professional group. Many adoptees have the information about the occupation of their birth parents so this can be a huge help. There are sites where you can check through the corporations in some states. The government links on the internet are growing all the time. These may provide adoptees and birthmothers with much needed information.
The genealogy sites are very helpful and there are many of them. Genealogists took to the internet quickly as a means to trace their families. Most are helpful to adoptees because they understand an adoptees need to know their own background.
Many websites include registries where you can search to see if anyone is looking for you. You then can add your own search information. As the number of searchers continues to grow, so will the matches on these registries. You will learn more about the International Soundex Reunion Registry ( ISRR ) where everyone on and off the internet should register. It is through the "community" on the internet that the big push has come to get more adoptees and birth parents to register with ISRR.
None of us wants to consider that the person we are looking for, whether it be the adoptee or the birthmom, may not be an upstanding citizen. This can though be the case for some.
For those of you who are fearful because of negative information you learn about the person you are searching, you can go to the many sites where you can check police records to make sure this person is someone you want to know and have in your family's life. More and more states are adding internet sites to help the public know if there is someone in their neighborhood they should not trust around their children.
You can check out my page on Criminal Background Checks .
How Long Will This Take?
Many hear that someone has found their birthmom on the internet in under a month's time and did not have to pay any money at all. This can happen, but is not the normal case so don't expect that when you start using the internet for your search. On the other hand do be prepared for a possible match when you sign up on a registry.
I am finding that people are surprised when I get a match for them in my Colorado Mutual Consent Registry in less than a month. A few have backed out on me and said they didn't really want contact. Note...
all registries on the internet are MUTUAL CONSENT registries. That means when you sign up you are saying that you AGREE to CONTACT!.
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Be careful of those who are trying to turn a fast profit at your expense. I fear there are all kinds on the internet same as there are in real life. Before hiring anyone or agreeing to pay for anything, get recommendations from others.
There are people you will 'meet' who help in searches on a regular basis. Some call them 'search angels'. There are times when they must charge for part of what they do. If there is a fee they have to pay to get information for you, then do not expect them to pay that for you. It is your search and any fees associated with it are your responsibility.
Be clear in working with a 'search angel' about what you will be expected to pay for and what they can do for free. Even a professional searcher will need to charge you even if no information is gained when they must pay to find out there is nothing there for you. This doesn't happen as often with a good professional becuase they should know what to expect to find in a DB. There will still be times when a professional would believe there to be a good chance of getting some information and then find nothing of value to your search.
If someone contacts you without you knowing what they are doing, and they say they have done a search and have the name you need and now you must pay them or they will not give it to you... do NOT pay it. I fear there are some out there who are taking advantage of adoptees and birthmoms by pulling this. If they do that most likely any name or information they give you will be wrong. Over the years I have seen many people get hurt this way and it is hard to watch. Be sure that you are on mail lists where you can communicate with others and ask about who to trust.
LEGAL ADVOCATES
Activism in Adoptions laws
There are growing numbers of those involved in adoption searches who are trying to help change the laws in many states throughout the country. Communication for these efforts is easier to accomplish on the internet. You will find many websites pertaining to the law and advocacy for open records. When people first start out in a search they tend to shy away from these things but as their search continues, and they hit one solid wall after another that stops them in their search, they find that their interests in these areas can become strong. Many on the internet are becoming the leaders in these fights.
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CAUTION
The internet is made up of all types of people, the same as the world at large. One needs to learn to be careful about what they post where everyone can see it. One should never post their address or phone number in a public area of the internet. Giving your address or phone number to one individual in an e-mail is sometimes all right. You must learn to judge people that you can not see. That takes some practice. Not being able to see a person's expressions can lead to misunderstandings. Everyone has to learn that the person you correspond with could take something you say the wrong way, simply because they don't know that you are smiling as you 'say' it.
PROFESSIONAL SEARCHERS
There are many professional investigators who do business through the World Wide Web. Some are very good and can provide you with much needed information. Some specialize in adoption searches and are often run by adoptees or birthmothers who have learned how to do it by doing their own search. These people have a deeper understanding of the trauma involved in an adoption search. They have been on the emotional highs and lows of a search. In hiring someone to either do a portion of your search or to do the whole thing remember, BUYER BEWARE. For links to Professional searchers.
Before hiring someone you can send a message to your mailing list asking if anyone else has used their services and what the outcome was. Generally the response will be through a private e-mail as most are concerned about liable laws that could affect them if they tell the entire list about how bad someone was.
If hiring someone you can still do most of the search yourself. You will save money and also help in preparation for reunion by doing the majority of the search on your own. There are professionals who encourage this. They have access to those databases that can be so important in getting the name of the person you need to find. This is the most important use for databases and hiring someone. You may find it useful again for finding the person's location at the present time.
There are some Professional Private Eyes who are very good at what they do as long as they have a name and last known address. They may not have any idea how to go about an adoption search. Be very careful of even some of the better known and advertised on TV if you do not have that all important name. Chances are they will not be able to get it for you.
CORRECT USE OF THE INTERNET
There are rules of "netiquette" that must be followed if you want to be successful in gaining helpful friends on the internet. Universal rules of being kind to one another apply. As you learn more about searching you too will be able to help others in their searches. You will find many links to help you learn about Netiquette on my pages about Search Help For Newbies. I hope you have read the beginning of this page and found it useful in your search.
There are rules for mailing lists, newsgroups, and chat rooms. If followed it makes everyone's life a little easier and all of this run smoother.
You can find websites that will teach you how to use the internet, including the basics right on up to advanced searching. Trying to get to where you want to be on the World Wide Web is daunting at first but it won't take you long to become a pro at it.
You could even find yourself deciding that you want a webpage of your own. If you do you can learn how through the internet. There are plenty of websites with all the advice you need to get started.
When used properly the internet is a great tool. You will find yourself making friends with people who live not only across the United States but also with those who live in other countries.
New people on the internet tend to fall for all the hoaxes that go around... and there are many! The following are some websites that will be of help in learning more about the internet and the games people play. Also some that are just helpful.
Some Internet Terms That You may find Useful
Browser - You probably use either Internet Explorer or Netscape. A software program that comes with most computers when you buy it. This is what you use to go from one website to another.
Cable Modem
- Many use this as their connection to the internet. It will depend on what you have as to how fast or slow your computer is working.
Cache
- Sometimes computers keep old information in a local file on your computer called a "cache". You are not always aware of it. It may be that rather than checking with the server for new information, you will get whatever old information your computer stored in its memory. You can click "refresh" to get the new information since your last visit to that webpage.
Chat Room
- People exchange messages in real time and carry on live conversations.
Domain Name
- Name assigned to an address {URL} on the internet. Registered through a central registration system and paid for on a yearly basis.
DSL
- High-speed internet connection network. It makes use of telephone lines to transmit information.
E-mail
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Electronic messages sent on the internet. There are many email servers, some you pay for and some are free.
You need the basic email program for your main account that you dial into. "Outlook Express" is one of the more popular programs and often comes with your computer 'package'. You set up the email address that you wish to have and that goes in front of an 'at sign' "@" followed by the name of your server. It does NOT have WWW. I find many use that when they first get on the computer.
Firewall
- A program that protects you from hackers. Most people should have a firewall and yours may have come as part of your initial package.
Internet Provider
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Also called a 'Server' or 'ISP' The company that provides your connection to the internet. Some are national like AOL and Earthlink others are local to the area you live in. Most all internet providers have monthly fees.
Modem
- Machine that connects the computer to the internet using a phone line.
URL
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"Universal Resource Locator" The address of a web site. URLs usually begin with "http://www" and contain the domain name of a web site. WWW stands for "World Wide Web"
Web Site
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A group of pages available on a server so that others may freely see them.
return to
Adoption Search and Reunion
Before emailing for help, please read my search tips and use the resources on my website. It took me over six months to write all this.
I can't answer questions and put all this into an email.. {:-)~[
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Copyright ©November, 1996 The contents of this site are © 1996 - 2007
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